we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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