I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
