Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
