You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
