she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
