time to smoke my breakfast
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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