very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
