i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
