she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
