Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
