every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
