I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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