"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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