So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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