You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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