Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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