Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
