I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
