My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
