Just fell off a train. Bad.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
