That's intense
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I touched a dick in church today
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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