I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
