Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
