if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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