My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
