and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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