you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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