trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
