Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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