I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
