Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
