I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
