I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
