I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
