and you said cock pushups were impossible
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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