I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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