I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I smell like Dick and happiness
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
