Swine flu. Run for my life!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
