You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
