I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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