How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
