There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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