I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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