Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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