You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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