My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
