so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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