3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
