we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
