My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
