I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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